Christmas Spirit
When I was a kid, Christmas was a magical and wonderful time. My mother loves Christmas time and she would try to make it as wonderful and amazing for me as she could. She would get excited about decorating the tree and would often play Christmas music to liven up our home. I would always ask Santa for the same gift every year: a tea set. I was obsessed with tea sets as a child.
I was one of those little girls who served tea to every one of her dolls and stuffed animals. I also had an imaginary friend with whom I would talk for hours on end. I was the only child for eight years and because my mother was afraid of me getting hurt, she would not allow me to play with other kids very often. I had a friend named Sandra who lived down the street and who had a very mean grandmother. Her grandmother disliked Sandra's mom. Something about her mom not being good enough for Sandra's dad. It is true, little pitchers have big ears. Sandra was also not allowed to play with other kids unless they were vetted by her grandmother. Apparently, I made the cut and Sandra and I were allowed to play together, often at my house. My mother had a strict rule about going to other people's homes as well. So, Sandra and I lived for our play dates when we could sit around with all our dolls and stuffed animals and play tea time. Hence the reason why I always wanted a tea set. I needed to have as many as possible so that none of the dolls and teddy bears invited to tea with Sandra and me would feel left out.
When Christmas time came around, the anticipation and the worry I often felt about getting a tea set were astronomical. They covered my whole existence. After all, what if I had been a naughty girl and I did not get what I wanted? Could I undo the wrong I had done throughout the year in time for Christmas so I could get the teas set of my dreams that year? Oh, these were the things that took up my whole life as a kid around Christmas time. My memories of that time seem wooly and hazy. Somehow softer as well when I think back on those days. The feelings I had then for Christmas have never come back to me at all. As I grew older and figured out that there was no Santa Claus, life just lost some of it's glimmer and shine. That magical and excited feeling I would get every Christmas time became tinted with hints of loneliness. Even as a child, I would feel lonely in the midst of my family. I always felt like I did not fit in.
Now, Christmas is all about making it fun for others. It is never about making it fun for me. It is just another year, another meal, another evening spent with family. I still feel lonely amidst my family. I still feel like I don't fit in somehow. The only difference I see this year is that my niece is part of Christmas. I like seeing the wonder and excitement in her eyes when she plays with my mom's Christmas ornaments. She is what makes Christmas magical this year. Christmas is still about making it fun for others after all. The only difference is that the innocence lost long ago is back in the form of my niece who does not know yet that Santa does not exist and that life is disappointing at times.
I was one of those little girls who served tea to every one of her dolls and stuffed animals. I also had an imaginary friend with whom I would talk for hours on end. I was the only child for eight years and because my mother was afraid of me getting hurt, she would not allow me to play with other kids very often. I had a friend named Sandra who lived down the street and who had a very mean grandmother. Her grandmother disliked Sandra's mom. Something about her mom not being good enough for Sandra's dad. It is true, little pitchers have big ears. Sandra was also not allowed to play with other kids unless they were vetted by her grandmother. Apparently, I made the cut and Sandra and I were allowed to play together, often at my house. My mother had a strict rule about going to other people's homes as well. So, Sandra and I lived for our play dates when we could sit around with all our dolls and stuffed animals and play tea time. Hence the reason why I always wanted a tea set. I needed to have as many as possible so that none of the dolls and teddy bears invited to tea with Sandra and me would feel left out.
When Christmas time came around, the anticipation and the worry I often felt about getting a tea set were astronomical. They covered my whole existence. After all, what if I had been a naughty girl and I did not get what I wanted? Could I undo the wrong I had done throughout the year in time for Christmas so I could get the teas set of my dreams that year? Oh, these were the things that took up my whole life as a kid around Christmas time. My memories of that time seem wooly and hazy. Somehow softer as well when I think back on those days. The feelings I had then for Christmas have never come back to me at all. As I grew older and figured out that there was no Santa Claus, life just lost some of it's glimmer and shine. That magical and excited feeling I would get every Christmas time became tinted with hints of loneliness. Even as a child, I would feel lonely in the midst of my family. I always felt like I did not fit in.
Now, Christmas is all about making it fun for others. It is never about making it fun for me. It is just another year, another meal, another evening spent with family. I still feel lonely amidst my family. I still feel like I don't fit in somehow. The only difference I see this year is that my niece is part of Christmas. I like seeing the wonder and excitement in her eyes when she plays with my mom's Christmas ornaments. She is what makes Christmas magical this year. Christmas is still about making it fun for others after all. The only difference is that the innocence lost long ago is back in the form of my niece who does not know yet that Santa does not exist and that life is disappointing at times.
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