Chunky Monkeys

Alternate reality

2010-12-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have been transported to an alternate reality where the days mesh into one another and fly by in a flash. I wake up, shower, get dressed and go see what my parents and niece are up to. When I look up, it is 10:00 o'clock at night and the day is almost over. I get up and do it all again and so it goes.

Today, I looked at a calendar and realized that Christmas is just around the corner. I thought there was at least another week until the holiday started. I don't know why. I really don't. I have lost track of time. Is that a bad thing?

Christmas Spirit

2010-12-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, Christmas was a magical and wonderful time. My mother loves Christmas time and she would try to make it as wonderful and amazing for me as she could. She would get excited about decorating the tree and would often play Christmas music to liven up our home. I would always ask Santa for the same gift every year: a tea set. I was obsessed with tea sets as a child.

I was one of those little girls who served tea to every one of her dolls and stuffed animals. I also had an imaginary friend with whom I would talk for hours on end. I was the only child for eight years and because my mother was afraid of me getting hurt, she would not allow me to play with other kids very often. I had a friend named Sandra who lived down the street and who had a very mean grandmother. Her grandmother disliked Sandra's mom. Something about her mom not being good enough for Sandra's dad. It is true, little pitchers have big ears. Sandra was also not allowed to play with other kids unless they were vetted by her grandmother. Apparently, I made the cut and Sandra and I were allowed to play together, often at my house. My mother had a strict rule about going to other people's homes as well. So, Sandra and I lived for our play dates when we could sit around with all our dolls and stuffed animals and play tea time. Hence the reason why I always wanted a tea set. I needed to have as many as possible so that none of the dolls and teddy bears invited to tea with Sandra and me would feel left out.

When Christmas time came around, the anticipation and the worry I often felt about getting a tea set were astronomical. They covered my whole existence. After all, what if I had been a naughty girl and I did not get what I wanted? Could I undo the wrong I had done throughout the year in time for Christmas so I could get the teas set of my dreams that year? Oh, these were the things that took up my whole life as a kid around Christmas time. My memories of that time seem wooly and hazy. Somehow softer as well when I think back on those days. The feelings I had then for Christmas have never come back to me at all. As I grew older and figured out that there was no Santa Claus, life just lost some of it's glimmer and shine. That magical and excited feeling I would get every Christmas time became tinted with hints of loneliness. Even as a child, I would feel lonely in the midst of my family. I always felt like I did not fit in.

Now, Christmas is all about making it fun for others. It is never about making it fun for me. It is just another year, another meal, another evening spent with family. I still feel lonely amidst my family. I still feel like I don't fit in somehow. The only difference I see this year is that my niece is part of Christmas. I like seeing the wonder and excitement in her eyes when she plays with my mom's Christmas ornaments. She is what makes Christmas magical this year. Christmas is still about making it fun for others after all. The only difference is that the innocence lost long ago is back in the form of my niece who does not know yet that Santa does not exist and that life is disappointing at times.

Unemployment

2010-11-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow will be two weeks since I was fired. After almost 8 years of working and giving myself to this job, I was let go. The reason why I was let go seems silly, at best. However, I think that it might just be a blessing in disguise. At least, that is how it feels so far.

During my two weeks of unemployment, I have not accomplished much. Here is a list of the things I have done thus far:

1. I have done some laundry and have attempted to clean up my house a bit. It is a veritable mess, after all.

2. I have spent a lot of time with my niece, the adorable and amazing Ms. S. She is a bundle of joy, energy and laughter. I love spending time with her and often felt that I was missing out on her and her accomplishments of life while I was at work. That I am alloted some time to spend with her at this point is one of the first signs that getting fired was a blessing.

3. I have done some laundry. I have about three years worth of laundry and I do not think I have even made a dent in it yet, but I am taking it one step at a time.

4. I have attempted to organize my desk/workspace. I have moved some things around and about, but have not figured out what I want to do with the space yet, so it remains a work in progress.

5. I have had this idea of making, baking and selling quesadillas from my mother's killer recipe. I have made some headway into that endeavor. I have a silent partner who is helping with funding and we (my parents and I) have made our first batch to see how it goes. So far, I am not worried nor stressed out over this idea. It feels right and I feel good about it. I am wondering if the quesadillas will sell and I am keeping my fingers crossed. I think our first batch came out well, except that perhaps I went a bit overboard with the cinnamon and my brother says it is a bit fluffy. I am hoping that we can sell our current batch. And then when it comes time to making the next batch we will make it better.

6. I have started doing Yoga Nidra. This is more meditation than anything else. It is supposed to be good for the soul. For now, all I can say is that it has helped me relax.

7. I have started The Work and I am reading Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. The simplicity of this concept is mind blowing because of its simplicity. I have also Following Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck which I will read next.

8. I have started blogging, hence this entrance. I was told by Sherold Barr, a fantastic woman I met on Facebook and who has a wonderful website called Women Heal the World (http://womenhealtheworld.ning.com), to start journaling. She is a very wise woman and I like to listen to wise people when they suggest things to me. Writing is also therapeutic, so I am writing to see what develops from it.

9. I have caught up with all the tv shows that I had recorded and not been able to watch.

So, those are the things I have semi-accomplished thus far in almost two weeks of unemployment. I am liking my time off so far and I think I need it. I find myself still a bit exhausted from my old job and I am taking this time to just catch up with sleep and myself. It will be interesting to see where all this leads. I am excited for the future.

Been a while...

2010-06-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I posted anything here. Although I have a lot of stories in my head, I never get to blog because a) I never have the energy at the end of the day, b) I am lazy, c) I lack the inspiration and d) I am lazy. I have come to terms with my laziness. I noticed it a long time ago and made friends with it. But the problem lies with the fact that when you are lazy and you lack the inspiration, the combination tends to be disastrous.

I have also a bit of a problem with writing about me. Seriously, other than my mother and a couple of my friends who would be interested in reading a blog about my life, I can't think of anyone who would want to read my dribble. Besides the obvious laziness, I am not that exciting a person. I do not lead a very exciting life. For example, here is the most exciting thing that happened to me all weekend:

I decided to sleep in today. It was Sunday, for goodness sake, and Sunday mornings are meant to be lazy. I had stayed up late the night before watching television and I wanted to luxuriate in sleeping in. I had a very interesting dream about a person I had not thought much about the last few months until he suddenly popped into my head unexpectedly last night. I had been congratulating myself on the fact that I had not thought about him in a long time, but apparently my subconscious took that to mean that I needed to have a dream about him. I will not bore myself or you with the stupid dream. But after I woke up from the remnants of my dream and getting up at 6:30 this morning to let the dogs out, the only thing I was interested in was going back to sleep. I got warm and cozy and back to dreamland I went. I was having the best sleep of my life when my nose started twitching. There was this HORRENDOUS smell in my room and I could not figure out where it was coming from nor why it had chosen to waft into my room and disturb my sleep. I kept fighting the urge to wake up, but I eventually had to throw in the towel. The smell just kept intruding.

I felt Chip jump onto my bed. Chip is our Jack Russell Terrier, who likes to climb all over me, especially when I am sleeping. He is not very big, but is very solid. At first, I thought he was the one bringing in the smell with him. He curled up next to me and after giving him a good whiff, despite his very loud objections, I determined that he smelled like him and he wasn't the source of the smell. My barely awake brain suddenly made a connection as I realized that I knew what the horrendous smell was. SKUNK! But why would a skunk be in my room? I was too comfortable to want to get up and find out, as well as lazy, but the smell kept getting stronger and stronger and it smelled like there was a odorific skunk in my room right next to me. That could not be, could it? I mean, where in blazes would a skunk come from and why would it be in our property let alone in my room? Well, it turns out that a skunk did make it into our property and somehow got into an altercation with Dixie, our boxer. Apparently, the skunk lost, but not before getting in a couple of squirts of that wonderful smelling substance they are known to make. Oh joy!

My whole house smells like skunk. Research on the internet shows that that skunk smell with be with me for a few days. Dixie smells like a skunk and carries the smell wherever she goes. I have found a concoction that will help with the smell, but will not be able to use it until tomorrow. I have been airing my house, but the smell is starting to make me feel dizzy and is giving me a headache. She is not too happy at being left outside to rusticate so she does not bring in the horrendous smell and intoxicate me while I sleep. She keeps whining. I have a feeling that I will be giving in just so I can get some sleep.

And to add insult to injury, as I was on my way out to go help my mom with some baking, I discovered the skunk's tail in my living room. Urgh! And my dad was not home so he could not come and remove it right away. I had to wait for hours in my room until he got home so he could come and get it out. I was not going anywhere near it. If there is anything that freaks me out and I totally don't do is touch dead animals. I don't freak out if I see crawly spiders, mice, rats or any weird or ugly animals that would wig out any other females out there, but dead animals...I can't abide by them! There is a reason for it, but that is a story for another day.

I miss them...

2009-05-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Rafi had to put his cat, Humbert, to sleep today.

I feel his pain, sigh.

At the beginning of the year, I lost two of my dogs, Nyko and Coco.

The first to go was Nyko.

He was a King amongst dogs. He was the second dog we ever got.

The first one was Coco.

Ah, my sweet Coco. She was "Her Royal Highness" (HRH). You think I kid, but I do not. She was quite regal. She was also the alpha dog, and ruled supreme over all our other dogs. Nyko used to quake before her.

And he was bigger than her...way bigger.

He was quite a beauty, was he not? Ah, I miss my boy. He loved to be petted. He loved to have the back of his ears rubbed. But his favorite spot was just above his tail. He would always turn around and present his butt to you so that you could scratch it. He was ornery and shameless. He was noble.

Because you see, we eventually got a third dog. Her name is Dixie.

She looks peaceful, does she not? Well, my girl is a bit of a tomboy. As a pup, she had a lot of nervous energy. Nyko patiently put up with her antics. That is until he got annoyed by her cuteness. Then he would growl in warning.

His growling grew deeper when our fourth dog came into the mix. His name is Chip.

Yes, that is a little twinkle you see in his eye. Chip has a lot of personality. He is also not short on energy. Dixie may be hyper, but Chip, oh boy, Chip, he is the energizer bunny on speed!

It is not unusual to see these two knuckleheads pooped out after one of their escapades...

Aw, they make an adorable pair, do they not? I mean, how can you look at them and not have your heart melt?

It is impossible, I tell ya.

They are too cute...

But Nyko and Coco were older than these two. When he died, Nyko was almost 13 years old. He lived a long time for a Rottweiler. He patiently put up with the mischief Dixie and Chip dished out.

Even when he was tired, he was a handsome boy....

And HRH Ms. Coco was almost 15. She was an adorable Chow mix, and mutts usually live longer lives. She grew stubborn in her old age. Dixie and Chip were beneath her, so she chose to ignore them.

Come to think of it, she also chose to ignore me, especially if I had a camera in my hands.

My darlings...I miss them dearly every day.

Sigh.

Frustration

2009-05-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, I was the technological savvy one. The one who hooked up the vcr and made things work around the house. My parents were clueless about these things and deferred to me in this department. To this day, I will be out shopping with my mother and she will hand me a strange looking gizmo and turn her big brown eyes to me in hopes I can figure out what it is and explain it to her.

There must be something about almost being 40 that affects the technological part of your brain and just makes it sizzle out, because I can't seem to figure out the whole uploading-pictures-to-my-blog-thing! I am sure it is simple and that once I figure out what I am doing wrong, I will feel like a dork for not having figured it out earlier. And this is not the first time I cannot figure out something simple in the technology department either. It took me forever to figure out how to upload pictures to myspace and facebook. I also have trouble figuring out my mac book sometimes. And this is shameful because macs are so freaking intuitive and easy to figure out! Oh, and don't let me get started on the whole Texting Fiasco of 2008. That one will go down in history.

This is where I rethink my whole decision about not having children. I can see how having one of those teenage beings around would come in handy at this point in my life. I think this the sole reason why most people have kids is so that when they get to be my age and their brain starts it's downslide towards dementia, their kids can come in and save them from impending doom.

Case in point, my 19 year old cousin will come over and laugh at my frustration over something technological. He will then proceed to very calmly, albeit with a smirk on his face, explain the whole thing to me in three easy steps or less. He makes it seem so easy and painless.

It hurts. It hurst because I used to be the one who would, very easily, calmly and with the smirk on my face, explain things to the adults around me. Now, I find that I am one of those adults on the receiving end of a smarmy teenager. Grrrr!

Then, I am left to ponder: When did it happen? When did I become an adult? I don't feel like an adult. I still feel like I did when I was seventeen. Is that wrong?

And then today, it smacks me on the face: I AM TURNING 40 IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS!!! The horror! I shudder to think what will happen next.

So, I took a couple of deep breaths, found my center and decided that it is OK. I can deal with turning 40. I can deal with my brain fizzing out and not knowing how to upload pictures to my blog. And yes, I can even deal with the smirk on my teenage cousin's face when I ask him to help me figure it out. The reason why I can be calm, cool and collected about all this is very simple: I will eventually figure it out because I always do.

And once I figure it out, I will upload pictures. I promise.

Chirmol

2009-04-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

When I graduated from college, Tanya, one of my roommates, congratulated me and said that she did not know why I had majored in International Relations and Spanish, since I would most likely end up having my own restaurant or bakery. To be honest, I do enjoy food. You can tell that just from looking at me. This enjoyment of food came very early in life. I was blessed with two grandmothers who were magnificent cooks. They both taught my mother how to cook well. My uncles and cousins on both sides have what I call a "delicate palate" since they learned to appreciate good food from these amazing women. I have toyed a time or two with the idea of opening my own Salvadoran restaurant. Especially when I am frustrated over the quality of pupusas and other Salvadoran dishes found in some of the Salvadoran restaurants here in Los Angeles. Despite Tanya's prediction, I don't think I am brave enough to open up my own restaurant or bakery. I do, however, enjoy sharing food with family and friends.

I started this blog as a way to write in order to relax. I am not a writer, nor do I claim to be. I also like reading blogs. I find that most of the blogs I read are about food. One of these blogs is called Tea and Cookies, and I was happy to see in it a recipe for chirmol but with a twist: radishes, finely chopped. Chirmol is a Salvadoran chunky salsa made with roasted tomatoes. It is very simple really, but oh so good. It goes well with a variety of foods. This was one of the many dishes both my grandmothers excelled at and a common staple at my home while I was growing up. The author, Tea, (such a cool name) asked me to share the recipe without a twist like it is done in El Salvador, or at least how it was made in my house by my grandmas.

Here is my amateur attempt at writing a recipe:

Chirmol

4 or 5 tomatoes roasted and with their skins removed

1 onion finely chopped

cilantro finely chopped

parsley finely chopped (optional)

1/4 teaspoon of dry oregano

salt and lime juice to taste

chile chiltepe or jalapenos finely chopped (optional)

The tomatoes are roasted to the point where their skin begins to crack open. You can do this over coals or over an open flame. Remove from flame and cool slightly. Pull the skins off and chop the tomatoes. The roasted tomatoes add a different taste to this dish. It is especially better tasting, in my opinion, when the tomatoes are roasted over hot coals. However, the open flame works too. Add the onion, cilantro and parsley. Rub the dry oregano in the palm of your clean hands and add to the mix. Add salt and lime juice to taste. Mix well.

In El Salvador we grow a type of chile called Chile Chiltepe. It is a tiny, red chile that is very hot. We add it to chirmol for some heat. In lieu of this type of chile, you can add a chopped jalapeno or two, without the seeds, (depending on how hot you like your food) for some heat.

Enjoy!

View from my window

2009-04-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

I work in a law office above a Vietnamese bakery in Echo Park. I have an office with a huge east facing glass window. My computer faces the window allowing me a panoramic view of Echo Park Avenue. From my window, I see the hills full of houses. Echo Park, along with Silver Lake and Hollywood, is full of hills. I watch the traffic run up and down the street. There is an amazing amount of people walking up and down, going about running errands and walking dogs.

Recently, the owner of the bakery took down the banner that spanned the length of the front of the building. This resulted in light flooding my office. Not that my office lacked lighting, far from it. I normally do not turn on the overhead lights because my office is naturally lit by the sunlight. Not only am I saving energy, but am also reducing my carbon footprint. Quite frankly, to be honest, I also hate the overhead florescent lights. However, the banner provided much needed shade from the harshness of the California sun. This is true of the mornings when the sun is rising and it floods my office with sunlight. Summer mornings can be especially sunny and warm.

At first, I was annoyed by the fact that the shade the banner provided was gone. Great, I thought, I will be inundated by bright sunlight which will inevitably bring on one of my dreaded migraines. But then, I started noticing certain things. The first thing I noticed was that I was in a better mood. The second thing I noticed was that since the days have been overcast lately, the light in my office has been soft. It adds a certain coziness to my office. Then I noticed that my good mood continued. Today, it dawned on me that the added brightness in my office was making me happier! Don’t get me wrong, I am currently having a love/hate relationship with my job, but the mood in my office lately has been one of bliss and serenity.

I have started to daydream more too. That may or may not be a good thing. I find myself looking out the window and staring at the big fluffy white clouds dance their way across the sky. I find beauty in the way the palm trees sway in the distance. I keep watching the painter painting the windowsill in the building next door and marvel at his steady and patient movements. I enjoy watching the hot pink and purple cascades of bougainvillea flutter about in the wind while their flowers abandon the security of the stem to float away to the uncertainty of unknown places. I watch the cats across the street as they amble lazily about. They stop on the stoops and curl up for a few minutes to either take a nap or lick their paws. They also stare out into space and seem to daydream along with me.

Yes, I am certainly happier with more light.

Vermont Avenue

2009-04-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

I have been living in Los Angeles since 1987. I was 18 when we moved to Los Angeles from New Jersey. Yes, it was quite a culture shock. But I quickly learned to love the sun and the city with its many nuances. On a good day, I can even tolerate the traffic.

Today, I had the opportunity to drive down Vermont Avenue. I usually avoid this street because, despite the name bringing to mind a tranquil street, it is anything but.

It takes the traveller through major parts of the city, from mid-Wilshire to South Central. In the middle, you can find yourself going through Koreatown with its many restaurants, karaoke bars and optical boutiques. The smell of Korean bbq makes you want to stop and try to find parking in one of its many crowded mini-malls. The mostly Latino area with its restaurants, markets and religious stores where you can buy a dress for your Nino Dios. It is a very busy thoroughfare with many sights, smells, sounds and colors.

For me, it was a trip down memory lane. I remember my days as a community college student taking the bus down this busy street. As I drove down on my way to pick up my parents from a party they were attending near USC, I could remember moments spent on different parts of Vermont Avenue with different people. The corner of Washington and Vermont, where my friend Emi and I would spent hours waiting for the bus. The time my friend Barbara and I went to a party with one of her beaus and we had to walk a long way from where we parked just to get to his house. His family stared at us like we were bugs the entire time! I still ponder that one sometimes.

The Korean restaurant that became a favorite during my USC days where my roommate Lisa and I would escape to during midterms and finals. It stays open till the wee hours of the morning, and Korean food goes great with a hangover. The Salvadorean bank where one can never find parking and you always get the feeling that you are going to be held up by one of the old timers who hang out there.

I spent many days and hours walking down this street with my friends. This is before I ever learned to drive and had a car. What can I say, I am a late bloomer.

As I drove down and enjoyed the sights and sounds, I was reminded of many people I have lost touch of throughout the years. People like my friend Emi who would ride her bike up and down this street to get to LACC each day. She got hit by a car a few times. I remember the cuts and bruises. There was also the Jack in the Box on Adams and Vermont where we would buy fries before going to St. Agnes for our Girl Scout meetings. My days as a Girl Scout Leader shaping the young minds of the future are best left for another posting. The Tacos Unicos just across the street where Hector, Ana and I would buy dinner before heading home. It used to be a small restaurant, but it is now being remodeled into a bigger one to accomodate its growing clientele.

The memories are many and as I drove and remembered, I wondered if any of the people in my memories ever drive down Vermont and think of me as fondly as I think of them.

can't sleep

2008-11-29T05:07:00.000-08:00

it is late and i cannot sleep. this restlessness has got to stop. i cannot continue this way. hopefully i can nap for a couple of hours before i have to get up and face the world.